Citygrrrl

I feel like I have a secret.  I haven’t told NG that I love him, even though it seems more true with every day.  A couple of nights ago he declared that he “likes me” and then that he “likes me a lot.”  This was not exactly news to me and it made me chuckle to myself and smile.  I’d been thinking about telling him that I love him and he goes and admits to liking me. A lot.  It still makes me smile to think of it.  Yeah, I like him too–a lot.

Our relationship has been awesome.  We’ve been going on various adventures together, one of which involved a weekend at the coast with a bunch of my friends, including my ex-husband.  It was a great time and everyone liked him.  I haven’t written much about it because there hasn’t been any drama to write about.  I can only write so many “wow, this is so great” posts before I get tired of it.  If I could go into more detail about our activities without giving up my privacy, it would be a little easier.  Even then, I would just be relating how we went snowshoeing, hiking, surfing, or kayaking.  Or how we painted some pictures and watched some movies.  How our sex life is incredible and I don’t know what I’m going to do without him for 2 weeks while he’s away on vacation.  We seem to have done quite a bit of stuff in 10 weeks.

No, my biggest dilemma now is to figure out why I’m being so chicken about telling him I love him. Do I mistrust my feelings for him?  Do I feel like an idiot for loving CB and getting burned so it seems impossible that I could love someone else so quickly?  Am I afraid he doesn’t love me back and that I’m just some cool girl he’s dating for right now?  I think it’s all of those things, but most particularly the last one.

One the one hand, I don’t want to be afraid of telling someone how I feel.  I want my love to be a gift, freely given with no expectations.  On the other hand, I want him to love me back.  I feel loved.  That means more to me than any words he could say.  That’s part of why him telling me he likes me is so funny.  He says he likes me but I feel like he loves me.  I’d much rather have that than the opposite.  So why the fear and reluctance?

In some ways, not allowing myself to say the words forces me to turn love into an action word.  Instead of saying it, I show it.  Oh hell, I’m totally copping out.  I would still show it even if I said it.  Nope, I’m just a big chicken who doesn’t want to rush things.  My comfort is that I also felt oddly reluctant and chicken about kissing him, but once we broke through our mutual silliness, our physical connection was amazing.   I have 2 weeks to contemplate this love business.  I am quite resolved not to do it in a text message, because that would just be way too lame.  I chickened out on telling him before he left, so I’ll just have to wait.