Citygrrrl

He has an interesting question.

just a question for women - 30 (pdx)

ok, I need the advice of some single women looking for happy commited long term relationships. I have tried posting this in a the rants section and I usually just get mean people saying evil things to me. I figured I would post it where the woman are that I want answers from.

So my question/situation is that I find myself in my early 30’s with little to no relationship experience. I was hurt badly by someone i cared a great deal for around 20 and for a long time it made me overly cautious about giving my heart to another. I burried myself in my work and friends and travel and got over the pain but found myself kinda perma-single over the years. I guess what I want to know is how bad this looks to a woman. I know I am a loving giving man and I know that I want happiness and family and true intimacy with a best friend, but I feel like I did when I went to buy my first car. They told me that I couldnt get the credit to buy the car because I had no credit because no one had given me credit because I had no credit so therefore I couldnt get any credit. So I find myself a decade later still single and the last time I told a potential prospect that I had been single for the better part of a decade, she went running like I had just told her I was a serial killer. I guess what I’m asking is, is there hope for the guy with no “relationship credit”? Is an unexperienced man really that scary to you? Is there some base instinct that being single for this long sets off? I would appreciate any and all constructive advice or thoughts, thank you and please enjoy the cookies

I think I would feel a little leery of dating a guy who had been single for a decade. I don’t think it would be a deal breaker though.  Who knows what else is going with this guy. If he presents himself as damaged, he’s going to have a tough time of it I think.

I must say, R- is a pretty cool guy. He’s been ringing me up to go out lately and every time he does, I’m with NG so haven’t been able to chat. I finally e-mailed him with an update on my dating scene and told him it would still be fun to catch up over drinks. He responded enthusiastically and said he wants to hear all about NG. That is pretty cool. I like that we can be friends without the sex component.

I injured myself snowshoeing (I know, how the heck do you hurt yourself snowshoeing?) with NG a while back and ended up chatting with CB about it online. He offered some helpful advice on how to ice it properly. I had wished him a happy belated birthday on his myspace page so he pinged me to say thanks. Apparently, everything is “going really great” in his life. Pardon me for a moment while I sarcastically jump for joy. It’s not that I don’t want him to be happy, it’s more that he doesn’t seem remotely interested in whether I’m happy. He didn’t ask anything about how my life is going. A little give and take would be cool. That happened a few weeks ago. Such a waste of 5 minutes. Narcissistic rock star wannabes. Gotta love ‘em.

10 days until NG returns. Not that I’m obsessing over it or anything…

I feel like I have a secret.  I haven’t told NG that I love him, even though it seems more true with every day.  A couple of nights ago he declared that he “likes me” and then that he “likes me a lot.”  This was not exactly news to me and it made me chuckle to myself and smile.  I’d been thinking about telling him that I love him and he goes and admits to liking me. A lot.  It still makes me smile to think of it.  Yeah, I like him too–a lot.

Our relationship has been awesome.  We’ve been going on various adventures together, one of which involved a weekend at the coast with a bunch of my friends, including my ex-husband.  It was a great time and everyone liked him.  I haven’t written much about it because there hasn’t been any drama to write about.  I can only write so many “wow, this is so great” posts before I get tired of it.  If I could go into more detail about our activities without giving up my privacy, it would be a little easier.  Even then, I would just be relating how we went snowshoeing, hiking, surfing, or kayaking.  Or how we painted some pictures and watched some movies.  How our sex life is incredible and I don’t know what I’m going to do without him for 2 weeks while he’s away on vacation.  We seem to have done quite a bit of stuff in 10 weeks.

No, my biggest dilemma now is to figure out why I’m being so chicken about telling him I love him. Do I mistrust my feelings for him?  Do I feel like an idiot for loving CB and getting burned so it seems impossible that I could love someone else so quickly?  Am I afraid he doesn’t love me back and that I’m just some cool girl he’s dating for right now?  I think it’s all of those things, but most particularly the last one.

One the one hand, I don’t want to be afraid of telling someone how I feel.  I want my love to be a gift, freely given with no expectations.  On the other hand, I want him to love me back.  I feel loved.  That means more to me than any words he could say.  That’s part of why him telling me he likes me is so funny.  He says he likes me but I feel like he loves me.  I’d much rather have that than the opposite.  So why the fear and reluctance?

In some ways, not allowing myself to say the words forces me to turn love into an action word.  Instead of saying it, I show it.  Oh hell, I’m totally copping out.  I would still show it even if I said it.  Nope, I’m just a big chicken who doesn’t want to rush things.  My comfort is that I also felt oddly reluctant and chicken about kissing him, but once we broke through our mutual silliness, our physical connection was amazing.   I have 2 weeks to contemplate this love business.  I am quite resolved not to do it in a text message, because that would just be way too lame.  I chickened out on telling him before he left, so I’ll just have to wait.