Craigslist Ad of the Day

How’s this for cheery?

INFINITE LOVE IS THE CURE – 37

Unmarried white male in a dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture , tepid sex , and co-dependency . I enjoy drinking , pornography , and self-righteous indignation. I can’t stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band’s “Greatest Hits”. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts , and chuckling at my own vicious, agenda-driven jokes. I am in my 30s , but look 40, and feel 50. You are a whiny , bitter shrew with a misplaced place sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don’t fulfill every unmet need you’ve ever had . Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and now want to take it slow with me My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match . I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread , but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and sex . No friendship. I don’t need any goddamn friends .

FWB is Home Again

FWB is back in town but he’s in the middle of dealing with his wife moving out of the house and trying to find a housemate.  Things are pretty rough for him right now so I’m not going to push to see him.  I let him know if he wants to hang out, I’m all for it. But, I suspect he may need some time to gather his wits.  It’s a tough enough transition to come back from a 3 week vacation and go back to work without also dealing with this other life-altering stuff.  Poor guy.

Craigslist Ad of the Day

Dont touch me….you will burn your hand /22

 Are you in good shape? Im looking for a secret relationship, I got a rep to keep and it seems like everyone knows everyone. I dont like girls talking about me. So I’ll just tell you how it is. I am the sexyiest guy you have ever seen. Great abs, body, the whole package. I go to school for fitness for gods sakes. Ive never met a women that I didnt get. But girls are easy, and boring so I need something new and exciting. I got me a nice pretty big house. You can look on the cover of “Sexy Digest” from last month if you want to get a sneak peak of me. You better have high self esteem. Dont let me catch my reflection in a mirror or window because then I’ll bust one in my pants. Thats why when I go to the mall I have to keep my eyes closed. People think Im lucky but the truth is…..being sexy aint easy…Its a full time job…I hope you like smart ass cocky guys, and if you dont…….thats because you havent met one yet.